Meet Rachel and Scarlett

[fusion_dropcap boxed="yes" boxed_radius="0" class="fusion-content-tb-dropcap"]I[/fusion_dropcap]n the realm of parenting, the journey is often fraught with both moments of joy and anxiety. Since parenting does not come with a handbook, as a result, the way we parent our children can often be a result of how we as parents have processed our own life experiences.
Consider Rachel, a mother whose deep-seated fears and past disappointments shape her approach to raising her daughter, Scarlett. Rachel becomes anxious at the thought of her daughter, Scarlett, experiencing disappointment. Whenever Scarlett expresses fear or disappointment, Rachel rushes to minimize the situation or distract her with positive affirmations. While Rachel thinks she is doing what is best for her daughter’s mental well-being, her actions unintentionally convey the message that negative emotions are undesirable, resulting in poor outcomes. To make her mother happy, Scarlett subconsciously develops a habit of repressing negative feelings, such as disappointment or sadness, which hinders her ability to cope with and understand her own emotions. This habit follows her into her adult life and causes much larger needs. As Scarlett grows older, she becomes a people pleaser, maintaining a steady pattern of hiding her true feelings from those close to her for fear of disappointment. This fear of disappointing others leads Scarlett to interact with her children the same way that her mother, Rachel, interacted with her. Parent pleasing leads to people pleasing and creates a pattern that results in negative outcomes.

Parental Anxiety

What Rachel experiences, and later passes on to Scarlett, is known as parental anxiety—a pervasive fear
and unease centered around a parent’s concerns for their child’s well-being. Parental anxiety is more
common than one might think, and is often, in part, a result of the natural, profound love that we
parents have for our children. “As parents, we hope to be able to provide comfort and safety for our
children,” says Dr. Brad Reedy, author of The Journey of Heroic Parent and clinical director of Evoke
Therapy Programs. “For many of us, the moment that helpless child is placed in our arms, we begin to
define our meaning, our worth and our value by how well we can soothe them. We lose our own sense
of separateness and begin to fuse our identity with the child. Their discomfort, their tears, their
struggles become evidence of our failure.” According to Reedy, when a child is born, there is a
subconscious shift where the parent begins to define their own worth by how well they can provide
comfort and safety for their child. This fusion of identity with the child can be a rough path and lead to perilous territory
where a parent’s happiness becomes dependent on their child’s apparent contentment.

Insecure Attachment

The impulse to ensure a child's happiness is natural, but it becomes problematic when the child feels
pressured to fake their own happiness. Once a child, consciously or unconsciously, understands that
their parents’ happiness ultimately depends on them, the child, in turn, may internalize these
expectations. This will often lead to an insecure attachment, meaning an attachment based on fear (in
this case, a child’s fear of disappointing their parents) or lack of trust (in this case, the child cannot trust
that their parents will respond well to their true feelings). This insecure attachment will almost certainly
lead the child to sacrifice their authentic self to maintain the illusion of happiness, which can manifest
itself in a myriad of ways, including:

• A child pretending to be happier than they truly are about a gift or gesture from their parents to
  make them happy.
• A teenager hiding their intense feelings of loneliness from their parents to keep them from
  feeling down.
• A young adult pursuing a career that they don’t want to ease their parents’ anxiety about their
  future.

“The fundamental problem is that parents tell their children how they feel with the hope and expectation that the child will then feel responsible and obligated to make the parent proud and happy. And that is the universal disease.”

Dr Reedy Tweet

It’s crucial to recognize that parental anxiety doesn’t make someone a bad person. Often, parental
anxiety is a trauma response to the parent’s childhood. Take Rachel, the mother from the previous
example. Her childhood was likely an environment in which people-pleasing (or parent-pleasing) was
seen as the most viable option for tranquility, thus creating one or many insecure attachments.
Accustomed to insecure attachments, Rachel felt that her daughter’s happiness was the secret to her
own well-being—a sentiment expressed as, “If you’re happy, then I’m happy.” This interdependence can
be traced back through generations, creating a pattern that becomes deeply ingrained in family
dynamics. Subscribing to the old adage, “you are only as happy as your least happy child” may seem like
the epitome of love, but this idea makes the child responsible for the parent’s feelings. And unowned
parental anxiety, disappointment, and frustration is internalized by the child in the form of “something
is wrong with me.”

The Solution – Managing Parental Anxiety

Breaking the cycle of parental anxiety is a process that involves awareness and confrontation.

1. Awareness

Parents must recognize and own (i.e., address in therapy, a support group, or with other trusted
adults) parental anxiety without shame. Ask yourself, “am I creating a space where my child
feels free to process negative emotions?” “is my child allowed to feel anger at me, or do I ask
them to take care of my ego?” If the answer is no, then it’s likely that you, like many other
parents, have parental anxiety that needs attention. Understanding that this is a common
challenge, that you came by it honestly from your own upbringing, will allow you to approach
the issue with empathy and self-compassion. Talking with a capable, empathic professional or
support group, is a pathway to developing this compassion. Destigmatizing these feelings allows
for open conversations and a healthier approach to addressing the underlying issues.’  

2. Confrontation + Release

“What happened to you as a child is not your fault,” says Reedy, “but it is your responsibility as
an adult to deal with it.” Seeking professional help through therapy is a crucial step in
addressing parental anxiety. Confronting past traumas and unpacking their impact allows
parents to gain insights into their insecure attachments and work towards developing a secure
attachment with themselves. Releasing the notion that a child’s happiness is the sole
determinant of a parent’s well-being is both liberating for the parent and the child. In 12-Step
support groups like Al-anon and Codependents Anonymous, designed to help the loved ones of
people who struggle addiction or other mental health issues, members often repeat the slogan,
“my serenity is my responsibility.””

As a parent, the greatest gift you can give to your child is a secure attachment. And the prerequisite for
providing your child with a secure attachment is looking at your own history, your own conditioning, and
dealing with your own anxiety. In Parenting from the Inside-Out, Seigel and Hartzell clearly identify this
connection, “Research in the field of child development has demonstrated that a child’s security of
attachment to parents is very strongly connected to the parents’ understanding of their own early-life
experiences.” Your child needs to know that your happiness is independent of them. This requires self-
awareness, unraveling past traumas, and releasing the need for control. As parents develop a secure
attachment to themselves, they empower their children to navigate their emotions authentically and
contribute positively to their overall well-being. It’s a journey of self-discovery and growth that, once
undertaken, can break the chains of parental anxiety, allowing for healthier, more fulfilling parent-child
relationships.

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Choose Mental Health is changing nationally the approach to youth mental health.  We are next steps for
parents and caregivers looking to help children. We offer a vast network of mental health providers and
resources to help parents struggling with the mental health of their children. Visit choosementalhealth.org
today to learn more.